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Comingout -MY TRUTH-
21.January.2012...

I was diagnosed that I have a SYNDROME.



Do you know the word "Developmental Disorder"?
People who have this disorder
have different brain (especially cerebrum)from "ordinary people".
Because of this brain, they often burden social disadvantage.

For Example, there are "ADHD" which cause
the tendency of forgetting what to bring,
having no tolerance for stopping and freezing.

I`m not ADHD.
In my case, my brain is classified as "Asperger Syndrome(AS)".

I`ve already realized my tendency vaguely.
Now I accept that concretely, like below.


*Often have different and awry recognition more than ordinary people
*Goot at precise point of small part but poor at grasping whole shape
*Because of limited range of interests, tend to stuck into their own "world"


As I have such aspects,
it appears that my AS feeling is different from "Normal People".
Unless AS people have no intention
to do something bad or nuisance for others,
They are often regarded by others like below;

"He said somebody bad"
"He can`t behave properly" "He is evil crazy"

...I`m the one who is often said "crazy" too.


So, in my life, I have often scattered a lot of nuisances to others.
I`ve experienced bulling and teasing, mocking.
I`ve also been bothered and suffered my unknown "evil crazy" aspect.
I even cursed my existence.....

I wonder and appreciate that
I`ve never committed suicide or crimes by now.
Thanks for a lot of help from people who I`ve met,
I, who also don`t know about his syndrome, could survive.

My fist contact of the word "AS" is in the February,2011.
In that time, I already know where to work
and it`s the time before graduating the university.
When I read the book of AS, I felt like tracing the path of my life.

In the first company, when I got failure, I`m often bothered that;
"Because I am AS, I scatter nuisance unwillingly...?"

But my workplace located in
Shodoshima --- the rural island of Inner sea of Japanese territory ---,
people are really tolerate and kind.

I could overcome my lack
thanks for their attitude as if they say:
"I don`t mind that." "Let`s work together!"

Although in the future, one day I have followers in my workplace.
Not to give followers nuisance,
I vaguely felt that I can`t permit neglecting my AS.

Then in the November, 2011,
I changed my job and went back to Osaka.
There were many, many thing in my second company...
When I went back to my home,
I always stayed the large bookstore and
read many book which are related to Developmental Disorders
like devouring knowledges.

I wanted to know the truth.


The what happened in second company is;

*I was ordered to examine what co-workers doing,
but I couldn`t grasp what I should examine.
*Couldn`t understand the implication of pronouns.
For example. I didn`t know what "that","here","it" indicate.
*I was misunderstood that I blamed somebody
because I reported what I experienced as I felt.


I resigned this company after 3 weeks working.
If I worked here a week more, I may have dropped a blade to my wrist.
My mental condition was almost deadly and really dangerous.
In the same time, I reserved the hospital which diagnosed my syndrome.
I started going there after I resigned my "hell".

When I went to hospital, I always thought such thing:

"I went back from Shodoshima to Osaka
In order to know and accept my 'True Shape'.
For the people who let me survive,
and to live better from now,
I must face with my 'True Shape'.
I wanna know!! I wanna know the truth ASAP!!!!"

In December.2011, I had a test for diagnosis 3 times.
(Linguistic test, Judgement test, and Mental Condition test)
Finally, I was diagnosed in January,2012 after long waiting.

Doctor said "You have TYPICAL aspect of ASPERGER SYNDROME".


Now, you may wonder that how to "cure" this disorder.
People of Developmental Disorder often got
mental illness such as depression.

If they are in such condition, we can "cure" the depression
by medicine and counseling.

I also introduced about "ADHD"
and its tendency at first of the sentence.
I heard that this tendency happens
because of the too much emitting of the brain substances.
These substances can be suppressed by the medicine.
But this medicine is only allowed for children to use.

However, the core of problem---BRAIN, never changes.
We have no way to "cure" these disorders perfectly now....

So if we, not I, are said "Cure your disorder",
We feel as if we are said "You must die or vanish".
It`s also same as "Transform yourself from fish to bird"
"If you are Asian, you must be European","Or you must PERISH".

But AS people can somewhat avoid annoying people
by learning suitable manners, rules, dress code, and so on.
I also didn`t mind my cloth and hair style very much.

When I was just a school boy,
I struggled to remember these rules and overcame a lot of failures.
I believed that this past caused from my mental awkwardness.
But now I can say that these failure caused from my AS.
I failed more than ordinary people,
but I have walked my long and winding road
with my blood and injurys.

However I`m poor at "Understanding the atmosphere",
"Standing by and coping with everything well",
"Being a liar","Understanding jokes".

Because of those, I had been surrounded by
a lot of "enemies" when I was a child (by junior high school).
Since high school, It started increasing the number of friends.

Between Ordinary people and Developmental Disorders.
Between Majorities and Minorities.
There are the way to approach each side, each person.

I also never give up learning how to approach to ordinary people.
I never abandon the way.

But I`m afraid of one thing.
If I failed a lot when I try to understand the way,
I`m regarded as just a nuisance and may lose the trust of people.
"He must have no will to understand manners and rule!!"
Then I would have no right and chance to approach each other.
...That is one of the what I`m worried.

Then, finally, I have some questions for precious people who I`ve met.

How much did I injure you?
How much did I annoy you?
How much did I scandalize you?
If I "touch" the people,like "Scissorhands", I easily harm people.

I don`t know them. Even I can`t expect your answer.
But If I`m allowed to insist one thing,
I hope to keep and grow up friendship with you.


CAN I STAY WITH YOU FROM NOW?
[PR]
by sannkaku-shikaku | 2001-01-01 00:00 | 発達障害 | Comments(2)